Creativity

Silence and stillness, stillness in silence
*CRRACK!* I heard, and the solid surface gave

I am how the ice cracks
When you excitedly stretch your foot away
From solid ground and give it to the ice

I am the force that separates the ice into smaller pieces

Each spindling thread is mine
To have and to hold
To shake and to pour
From a central beat

They dance away from each other
Tinking and pinging in song

I am the water that is essential for the ice to exist

I am how the ice cracks inside a person's mind
I am how the ice cracks, and other things of the kind
Bit I am how the ice cracks, because you will find
That would not happen is God were design-blind

Complete and terrible
I encompass all things

*each stanza was a chosen excerpt from a student free-write then compiled into a poem to answer the question "What is creativity?"

Let Us Now Praise Famous Men

Let us see now
The light, the glow from above
The city is raining down on us
And I
I cannot see.
I hear the children
And bare feet don't feel
The sting of the salt
Water.
Water.
Nowhere.
The city still rains
And we go on
Untroubled by the dragons.

Sawdust

Here it comes again
The place where the words spill
Like sawdust flies
From the back of a freeway truck
Where the load is always covered
With a blue tarp
But for some reason
The back
Is never tied down.
And they keep coming
Coming
Till I don't know where they'll go
Covered
Drowning
My pencil can't draw fast enough
This chicken scratch and scribble
To communicate my thoughts
And share the uprising in me
My heart my soul and hand
Too much I say!
Now crescendo to more
Know the tune while we write down the score!

Improv

Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh, So lonesome and blue
Baby. go. go. go
It's all because of you
Baby go, leave me blue
So I don't have to chose
Here's madness again
Kayoo Kayoo
Oh it's taking me far
I can't see the ground
And I
Sputter, Sputter
Shatter
S t i l l m e
Somewhere
Oh fragments
I. Divide.
Don't bring me back
I can't decide

Overdose

Ah, too much
Again
I repeat my
Overindulgence
And bask
In an opulent lamplight
That illuminates
In a saturated glow
My faults
My failures
My surplus
Of cracks and holes
Through which
All I am
And all I have
Spills
And spreads across the floor
Till the light
Is less rich than gracious
And I am brought inside out.
Leave me here
Undone and turned
I'll see you at the journey's end
Provided of course
I don't indulge
Again.

Colors

When did the sky
Become a canvas
To which some cosmic painter
Stood and threw his soul
And at times
Some paint.
And when did this painter
Become so scared
That his clouds became smoke
And the red
Of autumns falling leaves
Felt, perhaps, too red.
What was the point
when, this artist
Tossed aside his pastels
For a vibrance
A screaming clash of color until
All the world stood round and saw
In the flash and fire of a bomb
The subtle menace of a sunrise.

Not Paying Attention

I love you
But shut the hell up
You're yelling so loud
About how I'm not listening
You can't hear
My silence.
So here, let me help you
Let me explain
What this silence means:
I'm tired
I need you
Why don't you act like you care?
I love you
But I hate this
So STFU
Or I'm done
Never gone
But lost

What Do I Want

The leaves have turned
To brown and fall
Like silent spectators
To the cold.
And yet nearby
There stands a flush
Of color
Loud and bold
Side by side
They grown and die
Standing in between
Eyes cast wide
I stood
And wondered why.

Father Leigh

Imagine a rose
Now break it in two
Tear petal from pistal and leaf
Slice it apart
And smash between glass
Let's look closer
Now closer still.
Go beyond the faded blush
To cellular DNA
Break it down, then watch it
Break
Down
As in rot I mean
A rose by any other name I know
But I doubt the Rosa Rubrifolia should smell as sweet.

"Could Somone Save Me, Because I Don't Think I Can"

For the first time ever, i am close to giving up. well and truly giving up. leaving all and just saying fuck it. and i want to. so so so so bad. but i can't. i was driving too fast again and tried to take my hands off the wheel. but i didn't. then i went around this corner and saw the sky and it was so beautiful. different layers of clouds illuminated by what looked like a million suns. I saw it and was glad to be there. then of course i have to think about what does that mean? am i so simplistic that that's all i need? i guess he doesn't need to be near me to make me feel stupid anymore. yay.
my best friend got married. she didn't tell me. i knew she was engaged, i was supposed to be her maid of honor, but she got married a few days ago. her husband wrote on my facebook "i'm married". that's how i found out. she looked beautiful though.

i can't do this
i can't.
itskillingme

and there we go. its over. unleash the dogs, i have found my corner.
let me go
please.

god i'm fucked. why do i do this? why can i never fall in love with someone who wants me? really. FOR THE LOVE OF FUCKING GOD WILL SOMEONE DO SOMETHING FOR ME?!?!!?!! without being begged, without being asked, would someone do something nice for me? anything really. offer to drive me somewhere, pay for a coffee, hell, offer to pay for their own food. i don't mind being nice to people, or taking care of them. but (and yes, i know irony is shaking with laughter at me) i feel really fucking alone.
i don't think i have ever been this emotionally or physically exhausted.

I don't know what to do anymore. i'm so close to just leaving. but i can't. because someone might need me, and i can't disappoint people. i hate it when i do that. but sometimes it seems that's all i know how to do. just like how the harder i try to make things right, the more i fuck shit up. i'm so close to screaming all the time. you think you know me, you think you fucking get it, you have no idea what i'm doing. you have no idea what its like to take care of someone, to be at once a maid, nurse, counselor, masseuse, cook. and though it all love someone so much and have them hate you for being there, because you aren't the one they want. and there is nothing you can do about it. i know you didn't get anything you wanted this summer, but that doesn't mean i did either.

i didn't cry all weekend, time to make up for that.

when the hell did i turn into such a wreck. i don't get it. i was walking on air, nothing mattered because at the end of the day i could still call him, and maybe he wouldn't tell me it would all be ok, but he would still let me talk, and listen.
I would give anything to know what happened to that guy. but i'm scared i'm the one who killed him, and i couldn't live with myself if that was the case.

god, there's not much left of me. sure as shit no water in me left, today is the first day i've actually eaten a meal in a long time. i'm trying really hard to eat. but it's hard when every brain cell says no! you shouldn't eat that and you know it. i know that not eating won't really let you lose weight, but i think all my logic has been cried out. ha, and here i always insisted i would go bulimic first.

crystal fucking got married.
i can't get over that.

mom just knocked on my door, even she said i look like "something the cat coughed up"
i made a vow today that if i were ever to kill myself, i'd have to wait till i wasn't crying. i look utterly terrible when i cry, and i'd like to be remembered as prettily as possible. plus that is kinda like a child lock, keeps me from an emotional decision. i'm weird

In the desert full of bullets let your body rot says:
uh no, i say that because i'm trying my best to not go off at you hard, and because i TRULY believe that you're a decent person and that none of this is intentional
if i believed it were intentional, i'd say ever little mean thing that came to mind, and try to hurt you as much as humanly possible.


if you know i'm not upsetting you intentionally THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SO MAD?
this post is retarded. i should delete it.


I had big plans for our future
Said I'd give you the whole world somehow
I tried makin' good on that promise
Thought I'd be so much further by now
Never could build you a castle
Even though you're the queen of my heart
But I've had the best of intentions from the start

Now some people think I'm a loser
'Cause I seldom get things right
But you make me feel like a winner
When you wrap me in your arms so tight
Please tell me you will remember
No matter how much I do wrong
That I had the best of intentions all along

I gave you a ring
And I promised you things
I always thought we'd do
But my best-laid plans
Slipped right through my hands
To show my love for you
And if you could read my heart
Then you'd know without exception
It was all with the best of intentions

So here I am asking forgiveness
And praying that you'll understand
Don't think I take you for granted
Girl, I know just how lucky I am
Though you deserve so much better
You won't find devotion more true
'Cause I've had the best of intentions
Girl, I've had the best of intentions
Yes, I've had the best of intentions loving you

- Best of Intentions, Travis Tritt




help.

Morning

The day is grey
And quiet still
Seems to seep,
Past the whispers
Of our mechanical world.
I am waiting
For words to come
To express the pandemic
And terror
Of confusion inside.
The plains in my mind
Have shifted to waves
And so frolic
And roll
At their will.
And somewhere I’m lost
Still trying to find
Belonging.

Juliet

This world
Will collide
With reality
And forever change
And as we careen
Continue on
I wonder
What is it?
That will stir men’s hearts
What will call them
To stand
To put forth
Left then right
To carry though
Till dawn
Who is the better poet?
The lover or tragedian
For what will they pray
A kiss or release
From a waking grave
Will they move to better a world
Far far to lost
Or to make another sunrise
To find the one.
Sorrow now
Or sorrow later
Please note the lack of comedy dear Juliet
As you pray
For a poem




The lover and the poet
One leads the other
Is this why
Perhaps
All words desert me?

Ha.

Take Me Closer To Believing

There once was
A quiet love
Who loved and loved
With all there was
In a quiet heart to give.
The quiet heart loved in silence
From any distance
Never quite gave in
Never fell too far to not stand again
The quiet heart never screamed
Never yelled
Kept passion locked inside
Chose patience over fury.
The quiet heart stood toe to toe
Against another louder than the rest
Fickle in its surety
Full of a demanding fire.
And under the din
The quiet heart fell
And bled and bled
Till there was nothing left
And as was fitting
No one heard
The quiet heart’s goodbye

Dutchess of Detroit

There’s anger
Yes
And hurt
So much
And at times I think
I’ll lose my mind
For losing twice again.
Victory unheard disappears
From inside
And I feel the hollow
Like an old familiar friend.
This is as all should be
You in love and me in second place
This would be so much easier
If I didn’t want you
So much.
Leaving
Would be possible
If I didn’t love you
Too much.

Tortura

Words I’ve said
Echo back
Followed by a whisper
Of everything you ever said.
Y me duele tonto
But what to do
They live in my mind
Haunt in a perfect torture.
I laugh at myself
When it’s quiet
I’ll never need cocaine
Your love is more than enough to kill me
Metaphorically of course.

Don't Take Me Seriously

So you’ll die
Silent and alone
So you say
Oh love
Why do you do this
What’s the motivation
To follow
In such dismal steps.
Ours is not a lonely world
Filled by far
Too full
With too much
Of inconsequence
When you drink
At night, alone
Do you think I don’t know?
You’ll die
Silent and alone
But only if you want.
Voluntary silence
From chosen solitude.
Die
Silent and alone
For pushing me away



- I don't like the ending. it sounds too menacing, but "because" doesn't sound good to me.

Blogsurfing

What is it that defines cruelty? Or more importantly what is it that defines one human’s capacity to be cruel? Where is the breaking point where one man can look at another and say, “I am going to break you. And you will not stop me.” I’ve always wondered at such. Most often I wonder if the latent cruelty I sense in others is merely like calling to like. I don’t think of myself as evil, but I must recognize that devil in my ear. This particular devil is brilliant. It knows how to act, and gives me subtle direction. It tells me how to smile and when to blink to bring someone to their knees. In this voice the weaknesses of others are revealed and mocked; the knowledge of how to catch them is seen clearly. I feel no joy in this. Rather it is a fount of power that seems to sit and stir in the bottom of my belly, as my efforts fall to fruition my veins fill with lead and I am rocked by the power of another’s destruction. Then I halt, and try to see myself as I am. What right have I to bend another’s will? I am no god, nor am I smarter than the rest. So why do I see these lines of weakness, and heed the call to make the others subservient? It’s not that I desire the attention, or want them as my own, but something in me revels in the capturing of hearts. I can’t bring myself to say a harsh word to a friend, but faced with love I find a murderous power welling and all I can think is, “you have no idea.”

Thunderstorms

Palms up. An offering. An appeasing. And the man died alone. Fists up. A quarrel. And the man died alone. Head back. A chuckle. And the man died alone. "I see my breath." "You lack the capabilities to see." And they both died alone.

- Morgan B. M.

Count of Monte Cristo

Oh god
Save me
Propped against the wall
I will not beg
I will not scream
You don’t own me.
Please don’t make me
Not again
God the fire and the spring
Tension holds until release
Save me.
Like so much rot
And fruit
And sweat
I’ll give whatever
I have left.
The clicks and whirs
Of a technologic age
Still play with masters
And their slaves.
So lock me down
Till there are chains
For if I’m held
Then there’s a key.
And so unbound
I may step free
And wish to beg
And wish to scream
Oh god
Save me.

Bleh

Let be honest shall we?
I know
It’s been a long time
But I think we can
This time.
Who knows where we are
And fewer know
It doesn’t matter.
I’ve lost more life
Than I knew I had.
Perhaps a rebirth
More likely death
But this “tragedy”
Brings to light a surety
I thought I knew
Now I know
Of all the things I’ve wished for
I wish no more
For your love.
Your love for me
Has never
Been doubted
Less.

The Harp

There are scars on the floorboards
And the sun in my eyes
Blocks my view, of the source
Of the mood.
The strings resonate and pull me inside
As always, my mind wanders to you
Revelate, Retract, Revelation!
I’ve had many
As such hearts do.
But as the applause sounds
I come to another
You may love her more, and she you
But sure as shit and taxes, I love you better

"Whatever It Is"

Most every day goes by according to design
I live this dream and still it seems I have you on my mind

I can't see the future
But I know it's coming fast
It's not that hard to wind up knee-deep in the past
There come alot of Mondays
Since that phone booth that first night
Tears and miles and years and smiles
I wanna get it right.

These days I get up about the time I used to go to bed
Living large was once the deal
Now I watch the stars instead
They're timeless and predictable
Unlike most things that I do
I tell the wind and my old friend
I'm headed home to you.

From the bottom of my heart
Off the coast of Carolina
After one or two false starts
I believe we found our stride
And the walls that won't come down
We can decorate or climb
Or find some way to get around
Cause I'm still on your side
From the bottom of my heart.

- Coast of Carolina, Jimmy Buffett

This Is NOT A Surrender

First words
"Hey, I know you"
Irony.
Because just now
I find I don't.
That, or you
Are no longer you
Having changed
To someone feared.
Who I thought I knew
I loved.
Who I see now
I fear.
Because the person
You were
Was never like this.
What happened?
Was it you or I?
Did my confidence
Do this?
Or did fear?
I insist
I am not her
But I see her,
In the mirror.
And she laughs at me
Because she knows.
I think that I am not her
But she was me.
So who are we?
Now in this tangle
Of unknown terror.
Where are you?
What happened to
The one who made me
Believe in
Maybe.
I guess my advice works
For everyone but me.
So do as I say
And whatever you do
Don't be like me, Love.
Promises are words
Solidified by love.
But without a heart
They vaporize
Till you hold air and
Mistake sunlight for snow.
In the sun I've never seen
A winter quite like this.
Never was so cold.
Knowing my
quest for joy
Has ended
Heartbroken.
I know.
Irony.

"It's Genetic"

Too many thoughts
That cheer me
In a way I shouldn’t
The sinner shouldn’t wish
To continue with the sin.
Its not right
But I really don’t care.
Call me a bad influence
I’ll laugh
And proceed to have more fun
Than you.

"One Foot Wrong You'll Have To Love Me When I'm Gone"

Lets not lose it
Today.
There’s fear
But its taste
Is well known
And remember
I know what to
Do now.
But I think
You forgot.
You’ve missed the sign
Not my fault.
But here’s an idea
You can make it up
To me
Piece by piece.
Come here now
This is incomplete
Let’s fix it now
The only way I know
How to fall away
Is to go as far
As I can
Lose you
Lose myself
Help me here
At least this I understand

Where Is Cinderella?

So let’s break my mind
And line by line
Pull it apart.
Like so much fear
We lay and tremble
To realize
That this is how it is
Has always been.
The epic’s told
And at the story’s end
We search still
For a happy ending.
Where are you?
When I need you
I know you know
‘Cause that’s when you leave
And I miss you the most.
Someone said the crack's
In the crystal ball
I don’t believe them
The fault is in the eyes
That see only the failings of perfection.
Lovely ladies
Don’t lose it
Find me, I need your stories
Prick my finger and let me lay
For a thousand years.
Bring me to something new
Teach me to breathe
Where I couldn’t before.
Let me turn the page
Till bluebirds sing
If only in my find
.
.
.
Fuck you prince charming.

Last One

Step One: Status Fail

I don't know if I can yell any louder
How many time I've kicked you outta here?
Or said something insulting?
Da da da, da da

I can be so mean when I wanna be
I am capable of really anything
I can cut you into pieces
But my heart is broken
Da da da, da da

Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty
Da da da, da da

Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby I don't mean it
I mean it, I promise
Da da da, da da

Please don't leave me
Oh please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me
I cannot be without, you're my perfect little punching bag
And I need you, I'm sorry
Da da da, da da

Da da da da, da da da da
Da da da, da da
Please, please don't leave me
(Da da da, da da)

Baby please don't leave me
(Da da da, da da)
No, don't leave me
Please don't leave me no no no

You say I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back
It's gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

Please don't leave me, oh no no no.
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this

Please don't leave me
Baby, please, please don't leave me
- Please Don't Leave Me, Pink

Step Two: Status Incomplete

1. In school
2. Have/figured out a job
3. Time for him
4. Hw and classes organized and under control
5. No other interests
6. No diseases and addictions

+ Love me and want me

Step Three: Status Unattempted

Remember what I live for, and find joy in it.

Step Four: Status ...
Win.

Can I Have Dreamed Who Have Not Slept?

Alas, how hardly things go right!
'Tis hard to watch in a summer night,
For the sigh will come, and the kiss will stay,
And the summer night is the winter day.

Alas, how easily things go wrong!
A sigh too much, or a kiss too long,
And there follows a mist and a weeping rain,
And life is never the same again.
-George MacDonald

Today is today
And shall forever be such
With a stranger chord I have never known
To echo, though shadows
Of valleys flows
Though my mind
Like an open door
To tempt me to follow.
In my head there are moors
To yet discover
But what they contain
I know will fall short
For what there was
Will never be
As I love him
And he doesn't need me.

Whore

They see her
They need her
They spurn her
They love her

She is fantasy
She is delight
She is wrong
She is night

Come want her
Some pay her
Come use her
Come leave her

She won’t apologize
She won’t submit
She won’t deny
She won’t lie

They see her
She is delight
Come use her
She won’t lie

5-3-5-5

Down to the garden
Go lay down
Go to the garden
I’ll follow you down

In a field of stars
High above
There’ll be such a glow
Where the fireflies go

Such patience I see
Midst a fire
Delight another
Quest to be higher

I’d say we go round
Prickly pear
But I find more joy
With sun in your hair

The Snake Returns

In the garden down she lay
to watch the clouds float by.
Pretty girl, do you see
how glorious the light
becomes as it flirts upon
such untainted skin.
keep your focus on the lilies
don't turn your head.
i promise, she's not as beautiful as you.
Just relax in your garden
more graceful by far, than hers
though, it dwarf your just a mite
While her roses outshine yours,
your lilacs are by far
the largest and the brightest
I have ever seen.
Now pretty girl, where do you go?
don't leave your garden chair.
If you must go, then i suppose
watch your step, don't fall.

Cornered
Small
Help me
Please
Don't be like him
Cause he broke me
I'll make it up to you I swear
Fuck. What can I do
I've been here, I know the plot
Last time I got it
But if I get this, than I lose you

Response to the Hollow Men

I am stuffed
With straw
Yes.
But I find myself
No hollow
Filled rather
With golden straw
That gleams
And radiates
Like sunbeams though the canopy.
Perhaps this is lost, though
We are lost
To the sunlight on the ruins.
But the broken gods
They dance in beams
And so appear to delight
In weaving the straw
That streams from the sky.
So who is hollow then
If not us?
Perhaps the brilliance lost
Stranded, without fear.
Dear Bobby*, Dear Allen**
We beg of you be kind
Forgive us, as we know not what we do,
For we are not hollow
Filled with straw
And its glow.
In the light of ourselves
Our self souls see violence
But unseeing to the lost.
We forget
About those broken gods.
And so we lie
And we die
Unopened to greatness
That spilled from you like straw
From a scarecrow,
In a long untended field,
That split
With a bang




*Bobby Fisher. **Allen Turing

Different Winters

In summer I will wait
Wait on you
I will be patient as leave turn to flakes
Of snow, that drift gently to the ground
And as they pile, and melt from coats before open fires
As children return to school, and thoughts turn to green
I will be patient.
I know you have a long way to travel,
For me the cold heralds being reborn
To you the dead and dying trees call
In the same snow we see different winters
But as the sun shines though
So will joy with you
Though December we will part,
And I shall miss my heart
At the touch of spring we find again
Our paths to merge.
Let the sun open your eyes to me
At the touch of spring.

Wussy

I’m scared
That I won’t be enough
That I can’t fix
Whatever makes you sad.
Of love, I have no doubt
Maybe that’s why
I worry so much.
I wish I could make you happy
In all things
Though I know that can not be
But still, maybe it’s enough to try
If I try hard enough
Will you smile back at me?

needs severe beating

This time, distinct
Shall forever be
In memory of certain things.
In a pothole on a road
That leads to your house.
The crunch of the gravel
That brings you to mine.
I remember days
With the scent of pine
And dirt, and doing
Nothing.
Just nothing.
But sometimes those are my favorite
There’s no story to remember
No dialogue thread
Just you.

Bitchfest 2

There’s time, alas, I have only in dreams
When I wake I find with discontent
Something I forgot to do it seems
I’d weep, but for a lack of time to rent
In frustration, I find my efforts fail
To elicit a glimmer or reward.
I’ve no soul to pour out my sad tale.
No hope, no dream, that I may move toward
Still in dark, I find myself a light.
And towards you I tread, feet touch only air.
In this walk, I move away from blight
To the end of time, I’d follow love there
For you, your love, I would give all my self
Until, of never, it become the twelfth

Bitchfest 1

When midst the clanging and the sound, I find
My words are brought before most unkind judge
I find that my company hath maligned
My care from that of Kings to Fools. I trudge
An aching path with no reward. Losing
Faith. It is with envy I view those on
A more mundane path. I weep, for falling
On such wretched times. I must be withdrawn.
Still, at these points of no compare there’s joy
Oh, yet to be found. I can think of none
No gem nor luxury that can deploy
Such love in my heart that can’t be undone.
So though darkness sometimes will soft call
For your love I would, with joy, forsake all.

Snow Day

I watched my window
And beyond it saw
A snowflake hover
To fight the fall.
Against gravity
It struggled soft
And yet I had to wonder.
Was this exact, and tiny piece
Particular?
Was it, as snowflakes go
Extraordinary? Perhaps
The lone underdog,
Here to win the fight.
Or a frozen princess lost in time.
But as I mused
It lost the will
And began to fall
Quiet, calm
To join them all.

Definition

I heard a thump
And looked away
To see a dictionary fall.
And it made me think
About the words, and what
Right one has to say.
Say red is white and black is grey
But only just to me
You see green in everything,
But we still think the same.
The politicians fight all day
To define this and that
Love will change, but marriage stays
Or is that the other way?
Universal suffrage, was only for a half
Yet superiority comes from the mother land.
The book that fell, I’d put it back
But it looks alright to me
Its definitions stand on end
See page 1075, halfway down, for normalcy

Hopeless

A primary dream
Of secondary beings
What say you
In the face of run down things
Do you look at them
Straight in the eye
Till a soul opens wide
And you are consumed
By the glory, the tragic power
Of the things broken.
Are you consumed by the knowledge
Of the point
Where he became she became things
In the outside sun I stand and wonder
Where are we
And what of the things

*needs editing.