"Could Somone Save Me, Because I Don't Think I Can"

For the first time ever, i am close to giving up. well and truly giving up. leaving all and just saying fuck it. and i want to. so so so so bad. but i can't. i was driving too fast again and tried to take my hands off the wheel. but i didn't. then i went around this corner and saw the sky and it was so beautiful. different layers of clouds illuminated by what looked like a million suns. I saw it and was glad to be there. then of course i have to think about what does that mean? am i so simplistic that that's all i need? i guess he doesn't need to be near me to make me feel stupid anymore. yay.
my best friend got married. she didn't tell me. i knew she was engaged, i was supposed to be her maid of honor, but she got married a few days ago. her husband wrote on my facebook "i'm married". that's how i found out. she looked beautiful though.

i can't do this
i can't.
itskillingme

and there we go. its over. unleash the dogs, i have found my corner.
let me go
please.

god i'm fucked. why do i do this? why can i never fall in love with someone who wants me? really. FOR THE LOVE OF FUCKING GOD WILL SOMEONE DO SOMETHING FOR ME?!?!!?!! without being begged, without being asked, would someone do something nice for me? anything really. offer to drive me somewhere, pay for a coffee, hell, offer to pay for their own food. i don't mind being nice to people, or taking care of them. but (and yes, i know irony is shaking with laughter at me) i feel really fucking alone.
i don't think i have ever been this emotionally or physically exhausted.

I don't know what to do anymore. i'm so close to just leaving. but i can't. because someone might need me, and i can't disappoint people. i hate it when i do that. but sometimes it seems that's all i know how to do. just like how the harder i try to make things right, the more i fuck shit up. i'm so close to screaming all the time. you think you know me, you think you fucking get it, you have no idea what i'm doing. you have no idea what its like to take care of someone, to be at once a maid, nurse, counselor, masseuse, cook. and though it all love someone so much and have them hate you for being there, because you aren't the one they want. and there is nothing you can do about it. i know you didn't get anything you wanted this summer, but that doesn't mean i did either.

i didn't cry all weekend, time to make up for that.

when the hell did i turn into such a wreck. i don't get it. i was walking on air, nothing mattered because at the end of the day i could still call him, and maybe he wouldn't tell me it would all be ok, but he would still let me talk, and listen.
I would give anything to know what happened to that guy. but i'm scared i'm the one who killed him, and i couldn't live with myself if that was the case.

god, there's not much left of me. sure as shit no water in me left, today is the first day i've actually eaten a meal in a long time. i'm trying really hard to eat. but it's hard when every brain cell says no! you shouldn't eat that and you know it. i know that not eating won't really let you lose weight, but i think all my logic has been cried out. ha, and here i always insisted i would go bulimic first.

crystal fucking got married.
i can't get over that.

mom just knocked on my door, even she said i look like "something the cat coughed up"
i made a vow today that if i were ever to kill myself, i'd have to wait till i wasn't crying. i look utterly terrible when i cry, and i'd like to be remembered as prettily as possible. plus that is kinda like a child lock, keeps me from an emotional decision. i'm weird

In the desert full of bullets let your body rot says:
uh no, i say that because i'm trying my best to not go off at you hard, and because i TRULY believe that you're a decent person and that none of this is intentional
if i believed it were intentional, i'd say ever little mean thing that came to mind, and try to hurt you as much as humanly possible.


if you know i'm not upsetting you intentionally THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SO MAD?
this post is retarded. i should delete it.


I had big plans for our future
Said I'd give you the whole world somehow
I tried makin' good on that promise
Thought I'd be so much further by now
Never could build you a castle
Even though you're the queen of my heart
But I've had the best of intentions from the start

Now some people think I'm a loser
'Cause I seldom get things right
But you make me feel like a winner
When you wrap me in your arms so tight
Please tell me you will remember
No matter how much I do wrong
That I had the best of intentions all along

I gave you a ring
And I promised you things
I always thought we'd do
But my best-laid plans
Slipped right through my hands
To show my love for you
And if you could read my heart
Then you'd know without exception
It was all with the best of intentions

So here I am asking forgiveness
And praying that you'll understand
Don't think I take you for granted
Girl, I know just how lucky I am
Though you deserve so much better
You won't find devotion more true
'Cause I've had the best of intentions
Girl, I've had the best of intentions
Yes, I've had the best of intentions loving you

- Best of Intentions, Travis Tritt




help.