Improv

Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh, So lonesome and blue
Baby. go. go. go
It's all because of you
Baby go, leave me blue
So I don't have to chose
Here's madness again
Kayoo Kayoo
Oh it's taking me far
I can't see the ground
And I
Sputter, Sputter
Shatter
S t i l l m e
Somewhere
Oh fragments
I. Divide.
Don't bring me back
I can't decide

Overdose

Ah, too much
Again
I repeat my
Overindulgence
And bask
In an opulent lamplight
That illuminates
In a saturated glow
My faults
My failures
My surplus
Of cracks and holes
Through which
All I am
And all I have
Spills
And spreads across the floor
Till the light
Is less rich than gracious
And I am brought inside out.
Leave me here
Undone and turned
I'll see you at the journey's end
Provided of course
I don't indulge
Again.

Colors

When did the sky
Become a canvas
To which some cosmic painter
Stood and threw his soul
And at times
Some paint.
And when did this painter
Become so scared
That his clouds became smoke
And the red
Of autumns falling leaves
Felt, perhaps, too red.
What was the point
when, this artist
Tossed aside his pastels
For a vibrance
A screaming clash of color until
All the world stood round and saw
In the flash and fire of a bomb
The subtle menace of a sunrise.

Not Paying Attention

I love you
But shut the hell up
You're yelling so loud
About how I'm not listening
You can't hear
My silence.
So here, let me help you
Let me explain
What this silence means:
I'm tired
I need you
Why don't you act like you care?
I love you
But I hate this
So STFU
Or I'm done
Never gone
But lost

What Do I Want

The leaves have turned
To brown and fall
Like silent spectators
To the cold.
And yet nearby
There stands a flush
Of color
Loud and bold
Side by side
They grown and die
Standing in between
Eyes cast wide
I stood
And wondered why.

Father Leigh

Imagine a rose
Now break it in two
Tear petal from pistal and leaf
Slice it apart
And smash between glass
Let's look closer
Now closer still.
Go beyond the faded blush
To cellular DNA
Break it down, then watch it
Break
Down
As in rot I mean
A rose by any other name I know
But I doubt the Rosa Rubrifolia should smell as sweet.

"Could Somone Save Me, Because I Don't Think I Can"

For the first time ever, i am close to giving up. well and truly giving up. leaving all and just saying fuck it. and i want to. so so so so bad. but i can't. i was driving too fast again and tried to take my hands off the wheel. but i didn't. then i went around this corner and saw the sky and it was so beautiful. different layers of clouds illuminated by what looked like a million suns. I saw it and was glad to be there. then of course i have to think about what does that mean? am i so simplistic that that's all i need? i guess he doesn't need to be near me to make me feel stupid anymore. yay.
my best friend got married. she didn't tell me. i knew she was engaged, i was supposed to be her maid of honor, but she got married a few days ago. her husband wrote on my facebook "i'm married". that's how i found out. she looked beautiful though.

i can't do this
i can't.
itskillingme

and there we go. its over. unleash the dogs, i have found my corner.
let me go
please.

god i'm fucked. why do i do this? why can i never fall in love with someone who wants me? really. FOR THE LOVE OF FUCKING GOD WILL SOMEONE DO SOMETHING FOR ME?!?!!?!! without being begged, without being asked, would someone do something nice for me? anything really. offer to drive me somewhere, pay for a coffee, hell, offer to pay for their own food. i don't mind being nice to people, or taking care of them. but (and yes, i know irony is shaking with laughter at me) i feel really fucking alone.
i don't think i have ever been this emotionally or physically exhausted.

I don't know what to do anymore. i'm so close to just leaving. but i can't. because someone might need me, and i can't disappoint people. i hate it when i do that. but sometimes it seems that's all i know how to do. just like how the harder i try to make things right, the more i fuck shit up. i'm so close to screaming all the time. you think you know me, you think you fucking get it, you have no idea what i'm doing. you have no idea what its like to take care of someone, to be at once a maid, nurse, counselor, masseuse, cook. and though it all love someone so much and have them hate you for being there, because you aren't the one they want. and there is nothing you can do about it. i know you didn't get anything you wanted this summer, but that doesn't mean i did either.

i didn't cry all weekend, time to make up for that.

when the hell did i turn into such a wreck. i don't get it. i was walking on air, nothing mattered because at the end of the day i could still call him, and maybe he wouldn't tell me it would all be ok, but he would still let me talk, and listen.
I would give anything to know what happened to that guy. but i'm scared i'm the one who killed him, and i couldn't live with myself if that was the case.

god, there's not much left of me. sure as shit no water in me left, today is the first day i've actually eaten a meal in a long time. i'm trying really hard to eat. but it's hard when every brain cell says no! you shouldn't eat that and you know it. i know that not eating won't really let you lose weight, but i think all my logic has been cried out. ha, and here i always insisted i would go bulimic first.

crystal fucking got married.
i can't get over that.

mom just knocked on my door, even she said i look like "something the cat coughed up"
i made a vow today that if i were ever to kill myself, i'd have to wait till i wasn't crying. i look utterly terrible when i cry, and i'd like to be remembered as prettily as possible. plus that is kinda like a child lock, keeps me from an emotional decision. i'm weird

In the desert full of bullets let your body rot says:
uh no, i say that because i'm trying my best to not go off at you hard, and because i TRULY believe that you're a decent person and that none of this is intentional
if i believed it were intentional, i'd say ever little mean thing that came to mind, and try to hurt you as much as humanly possible.


if you know i'm not upsetting you intentionally THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SO MAD?
this post is retarded. i should delete it.


I had big plans for our future
Said I'd give you the whole world somehow
I tried makin' good on that promise
Thought I'd be so much further by now
Never could build you a castle
Even though you're the queen of my heart
But I've had the best of intentions from the start

Now some people think I'm a loser
'Cause I seldom get things right
But you make me feel like a winner
When you wrap me in your arms so tight
Please tell me you will remember
No matter how much I do wrong
That I had the best of intentions all along

I gave you a ring
And I promised you things
I always thought we'd do
But my best-laid plans
Slipped right through my hands
To show my love for you
And if you could read my heart
Then you'd know without exception
It was all with the best of intentions

So here I am asking forgiveness
And praying that you'll understand
Don't think I take you for granted
Girl, I know just how lucky I am
Though you deserve so much better
You won't find devotion more true
'Cause I've had the best of intentions
Girl, I've had the best of intentions
Yes, I've had the best of intentions loving you

- Best of Intentions, Travis Tritt




help.