Not Paying Attention

I love you
But shut the hell up
You're yelling so loud
About how I'm not listening
You can't hear
My silence.
So here, let me help you
Let me explain
What this silence means:
I'm tired
I need you
Why don't you act like you care?
I love you
But I hate this
So STFU
Or I'm done
Never gone
But lost

What Do I Want

The leaves have turned
To brown and fall
Like silent spectators
To the cold.
And yet nearby
There stands a flush
Of color
Loud and bold
Side by side
They grown and die
Standing in between
Eyes cast wide
I stood
And wondered why.

Father Leigh

Imagine a rose
Now break it in two
Tear petal from pistal and leaf
Slice it apart
And smash between glass
Let's look closer
Now closer still.
Go beyond the faded blush
To cellular DNA
Break it down, then watch it
Break
Down
As in rot I mean
A rose by any other name I know
But I doubt the Rosa Rubrifolia should smell as sweet.

"Could Somone Save Me, Because I Don't Think I Can"

For the first time ever, i am close to giving up. well and truly giving up. leaving all and just saying fuck it. and i want to. so so so so bad. but i can't. i was driving too fast again and tried to take my hands off the wheel. but i didn't. then i went around this corner and saw the sky and it was so beautiful. different layers of clouds illuminated by what looked like a million suns. I saw it and was glad to be there. then of course i have to think about what does that mean? am i so simplistic that that's all i need? i guess he doesn't need to be near me to make me feel stupid anymore. yay.
my best friend got married. she didn't tell me. i knew she was engaged, i was supposed to be her maid of honor, but she got married a few days ago. her husband wrote on my facebook "i'm married". that's how i found out. she looked beautiful though.

i can't do this
i can't.
itskillingme

and there we go. its over. unleash the dogs, i have found my corner.
let me go
please.

god i'm fucked. why do i do this? why can i never fall in love with someone who wants me? really. FOR THE LOVE OF FUCKING GOD WILL SOMEONE DO SOMETHING FOR ME?!?!!?!! without being begged, without being asked, would someone do something nice for me? anything really. offer to drive me somewhere, pay for a coffee, hell, offer to pay for their own food. i don't mind being nice to people, or taking care of them. but (and yes, i know irony is shaking with laughter at me) i feel really fucking alone.
i don't think i have ever been this emotionally or physically exhausted.

I don't know what to do anymore. i'm so close to just leaving. but i can't. because someone might need me, and i can't disappoint people. i hate it when i do that. but sometimes it seems that's all i know how to do. just like how the harder i try to make things right, the more i fuck shit up. i'm so close to screaming all the time. you think you know me, you think you fucking get it, you have no idea what i'm doing. you have no idea what its like to take care of someone, to be at once a maid, nurse, counselor, masseuse, cook. and though it all love someone so much and have them hate you for being there, because you aren't the one they want. and there is nothing you can do about it. i know you didn't get anything you wanted this summer, but that doesn't mean i did either.

i didn't cry all weekend, time to make up for that.

when the hell did i turn into such a wreck. i don't get it. i was walking on air, nothing mattered because at the end of the day i could still call him, and maybe he wouldn't tell me it would all be ok, but he would still let me talk, and listen.
I would give anything to know what happened to that guy. but i'm scared i'm the one who killed him, and i couldn't live with myself if that was the case.

god, there's not much left of me. sure as shit no water in me left, today is the first day i've actually eaten a meal in a long time. i'm trying really hard to eat. but it's hard when every brain cell says no! you shouldn't eat that and you know it. i know that not eating won't really let you lose weight, but i think all my logic has been cried out. ha, and here i always insisted i would go bulimic first.

crystal fucking got married.
i can't get over that.

mom just knocked on my door, even she said i look like "something the cat coughed up"
i made a vow today that if i were ever to kill myself, i'd have to wait till i wasn't crying. i look utterly terrible when i cry, and i'd like to be remembered as prettily as possible. plus that is kinda like a child lock, keeps me from an emotional decision. i'm weird

In the desert full of bullets let your body rot says:
uh no, i say that because i'm trying my best to not go off at you hard, and because i TRULY believe that you're a decent person and that none of this is intentional
if i believed it were intentional, i'd say ever little mean thing that came to mind, and try to hurt you as much as humanly possible.


if you know i'm not upsetting you intentionally THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SO MAD?
this post is retarded. i should delete it.


I had big plans for our future
Said I'd give you the whole world somehow
I tried makin' good on that promise
Thought I'd be so much further by now
Never could build you a castle
Even though you're the queen of my heart
But I've had the best of intentions from the start

Now some people think I'm a loser
'Cause I seldom get things right
But you make me feel like a winner
When you wrap me in your arms so tight
Please tell me you will remember
No matter how much I do wrong
That I had the best of intentions all along

I gave you a ring
And I promised you things
I always thought we'd do
But my best-laid plans
Slipped right through my hands
To show my love for you
And if you could read my heart
Then you'd know without exception
It was all with the best of intentions

So here I am asking forgiveness
And praying that you'll understand
Don't think I take you for granted
Girl, I know just how lucky I am
Though you deserve so much better
You won't find devotion more true
'Cause I've had the best of intentions
Girl, I've had the best of intentions
Yes, I've had the best of intentions loving you

- Best of Intentions, Travis Tritt




help.

Morning

The day is grey
And quiet still
Seems to seep,
Past the whispers
Of our mechanical world.
I am waiting
For words to come
To express the pandemic
And terror
Of confusion inside.
The plains in my mind
Have shifted to waves
And so frolic
And roll
At their will.
And somewhere I’m lost
Still trying to find
Belonging.

Juliet

This world
Will collide
With reality
And forever change
And as we careen
Continue on
I wonder
What is it?
That will stir men’s hearts
What will call them
To stand
To put forth
Left then right
To carry though
Till dawn
Who is the better poet?
The lover or tragedian
For what will they pray
A kiss or release
From a waking grave
Will they move to better a world
Far far to lost
Or to make another sunrise
To find the one.
Sorrow now
Or sorrow later
Please note the lack of comedy dear Juliet
As you pray
For a poem




The lover and the poet
One leads the other
Is this why
Perhaps
All words desert me?

Ha.

Take Me Closer To Believing

There once was
A quiet love
Who loved and loved
With all there was
In a quiet heart to give.
The quiet heart loved in silence
From any distance
Never quite gave in
Never fell too far to not stand again
The quiet heart never screamed
Never yelled
Kept passion locked inside
Chose patience over fury.
The quiet heart stood toe to toe
Against another louder than the rest
Fickle in its surety
Full of a demanding fire.
And under the din
The quiet heart fell
And bled and bled
Till there was nothing left
And as was fitting
No one heard
The quiet heart’s goodbye