School Dance Much?

The look means nothing
The dart away is everything
What are you hiding?
That I can't meet your eye.
We've made room for Jesus
Hell, Buddha, Thor and the whole Greek Parthenon too.
But that hasn't stopped me from noticing you
I certainly talk loud enough.
If you haven't you must truly be deaf.
But regardless, we agree
And the deities have had their say
Things are just kinda better this way.

Warfare

Walk on Blind Soldier,
Shoulder your crutch and carry on.
The days grow weary
Chasing your steps as another night grows long.
On, on, exhaustion.
These eyes are tired
Having seen too much.
These arms are shaking
Having held for more than their share.
On to your mother
On to your father
Walk on blind soldier
The fight is won.
Walk on blind soldier
Go home.

Practice Makes Perfect

Here it is
The bad one
Just to open up my brain
Throw out a few words
Like candy?
Not quite.
I'm just looking for inspiration.
I'm seeing beauty
But not the sound.
These columns are only steel
And your gaze is merely blank
I can't get inside
To see into the heart.
Heart. Even the spelling annoys me.
God, I'd sell my soul for a better word
One to communicate the soul.
Yuck, so melodramatic.
I am, you are, we are
A wasted space
I hope they never see this.

Creativity

Silence and stillness, stillness in silence
*CRRACK!* I heard, and the solid surface gave

I am how the ice cracks
When you excitedly stretch your foot away
From solid ground and give it to the ice

I am the force that separates the ice into smaller pieces

Each spindling thread is mine
To have and to hold
To shake and to pour
From a central beat

They dance away from each other
Tinking and pinging in song

I am the water that is essential for the ice to exist

I am how the ice cracks inside a person's mind
I am how the ice cracks, and other things of the kind
Bit I am how the ice cracks, because you will find
That would not happen is God were design-blind

Complete and terrible
I encompass all things

*each stanza was a chosen excerpt from a student free-write then compiled into a poem to answer the question "What is creativity?"

Let Us Now Praise Famous Men

Let us see now
The light, the glow from above
The city is raining down on us
And I
I cannot see.
I hear the children
And bare feet don't feel
The sting of the salt
Water.
Water.
Nowhere.
The city still rains
And we go on
Untroubled by the dragons.

Sawdust

Here it comes again
The place where the words spill
Like sawdust flies
From the back of a freeway truck
Where the load is always covered
With a blue tarp
But for some reason
The back
Is never tied down.
And they keep coming
Coming
Till I don't know where they'll go
Covered
Drowning
My pencil can't draw fast enough
This chicken scratch and scribble
To communicate my thoughts
And share the uprising in me
My heart my soul and hand
Too much I say!
Now crescendo to more
Know the tune while we write down the score!

Improv

Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh, So lonesome and blue
Baby. go. go. go
It's all because of you
Baby go, leave me blue
So I don't have to chose
Here's madness again
Kayoo Kayoo
Oh it's taking me far
I can't see the ground
And I
Sputter, Sputter
Shatter
S t i l l m e
Somewhere
Oh fragments
I. Divide.
Don't bring me back
I can't decide

Overdose

Ah, too much
Again
I repeat my
Overindulgence
And bask
In an opulent lamplight
That illuminates
In a saturated glow
My faults
My failures
My surplus
Of cracks and holes
Through which
All I am
And all I have
Spills
And spreads across the floor
Till the light
Is less rich than gracious
And I am brought inside out.
Leave me here
Undone and turned
I'll see you at the journey's end
Provided of course
I don't indulge
Again.

Colors

When did the sky
Become a canvas
To which some cosmic painter
Stood and threw his soul
And at times
Some paint.
And when did this painter
Become so scared
That his clouds became smoke
And the red
Of autumns falling leaves
Felt, perhaps, too red.
What was the point
when, this artist
Tossed aside his pastels
For a vibrance
A screaming clash of color until
All the world stood round and saw
In the flash and fire of a bomb
The subtle menace of a sunrise.

Not Paying Attention

I love you
But shut the hell up
You're yelling so loud
About how I'm not listening
You can't hear
My silence.
So here, let me help you
Let me explain
What this silence means:
I'm tired
I need you
Why don't you act like you care?
I love you
But I hate this
So STFU
Or I'm done
Never gone
But lost

What Do I Want

The leaves have turned
To brown and fall
Like silent spectators
To the cold.
And yet nearby
There stands a flush
Of color
Loud and bold
Side by side
They grown and die
Standing in between
Eyes cast wide
I stood
And wondered why.

Father Leigh

Imagine a rose
Now break it in two
Tear petal from pistal and leaf
Slice it apart
And smash between glass
Let's look closer
Now closer still.
Go beyond the faded blush
To cellular DNA
Break it down, then watch it
Break
Down
As in rot I mean
A rose by any other name I know
But I doubt the Rosa Rubrifolia should smell as sweet.

"Could Somone Save Me, Because I Don't Think I Can"

For the first time ever, i am close to giving up. well and truly giving up. leaving all and just saying fuck it. and i want to. so so so so bad. but i can't. i was driving too fast again and tried to take my hands off the wheel. but i didn't. then i went around this corner and saw the sky and it was so beautiful. different layers of clouds illuminated by what looked like a million suns. I saw it and was glad to be there. then of course i have to think about what does that mean? am i so simplistic that that's all i need? i guess he doesn't need to be near me to make me feel stupid anymore. yay.
my best friend got married. she didn't tell me. i knew she was engaged, i was supposed to be her maid of honor, but she got married a few days ago. her husband wrote on my facebook "i'm married". that's how i found out. she looked beautiful though.

i can't do this
i can't.
itskillingme

and there we go. its over. unleash the dogs, i have found my corner.
let me go
please.

god i'm fucked. why do i do this? why can i never fall in love with someone who wants me? really. FOR THE LOVE OF FUCKING GOD WILL SOMEONE DO SOMETHING FOR ME?!?!!?!! without being begged, without being asked, would someone do something nice for me? anything really. offer to drive me somewhere, pay for a coffee, hell, offer to pay for their own food. i don't mind being nice to people, or taking care of them. but (and yes, i know irony is shaking with laughter at me) i feel really fucking alone.
i don't think i have ever been this emotionally or physically exhausted.

I don't know what to do anymore. i'm so close to just leaving. but i can't. because someone might need me, and i can't disappoint people. i hate it when i do that. but sometimes it seems that's all i know how to do. just like how the harder i try to make things right, the more i fuck shit up. i'm so close to screaming all the time. you think you know me, you think you fucking get it, you have no idea what i'm doing. you have no idea what its like to take care of someone, to be at once a maid, nurse, counselor, masseuse, cook. and though it all love someone so much and have them hate you for being there, because you aren't the one they want. and there is nothing you can do about it. i know you didn't get anything you wanted this summer, but that doesn't mean i did either.

i didn't cry all weekend, time to make up for that.

when the hell did i turn into such a wreck. i don't get it. i was walking on air, nothing mattered because at the end of the day i could still call him, and maybe he wouldn't tell me it would all be ok, but he would still let me talk, and listen.
I would give anything to know what happened to that guy. but i'm scared i'm the one who killed him, and i couldn't live with myself if that was the case.

god, there's not much left of me. sure as shit no water in me left, today is the first day i've actually eaten a meal in a long time. i'm trying really hard to eat. but it's hard when every brain cell says no! you shouldn't eat that and you know it. i know that not eating won't really let you lose weight, but i think all my logic has been cried out. ha, and here i always insisted i would go bulimic first.

crystal fucking got married.
i can't get over that.

mom just knocked on my door, even she said i look like "something the cat coughed up"
i made a vow today that if i were ever to kill myself, i'd have to wait till i wasn't crying. i look utterly terrible when i cry, and i'd like to be remembered as prettily as possible. plus that is kinda like a child lock, keeps me from an emotional decision. i'm weird

In the desert full of bullets let your body rot says:
uh no, i say that because i'm trying my best to not go off at you hard, and because i TRULY believe that you're a decent person and that none of this is intentional
if i believed it were intentional, i'd say ever little mean thing that came to mind, and try to hurt you as much as humanly possible.


if you know i'm not upsetting you intentionally THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SO MAD?
this post is retarded. i should delete it.


I had big plans for our future
Said I'd give you the whole world somehow
I tried makin' good on that promise
Thought I'd be so much further by now
Never could build you a castle
Even though you're the queen of my heart
But I've had the best of intentions from the start

Now some people think I'm a loser
'Cause I seldom get things right
But you make me feel like a winner
When you wrap me in your arms so tight
Please tell me you will remember
No matter how much I do wrong
That I had the best of intentions all along

I gave you a ring
And I promised you things
I always thought we'd do
But my best-laid plans
Slipped right through my hands
To show my love for you
And if you could read my heart
Then you'd know without exception
It was all with the best of intentions

So here I am asking forgiveness
And praying that you'll understand
Don't think I take you for granted
Girl, I know just how lucky I am
Though you deserve so much better
You won't find devotion more true
'Cause I've had the best of intentions
Girl, I've had the best of intentions
Yes, I've had the best of intentions loving you

- Best of Intentions, Travis Tritt




help.

Morning

The day is grey
And quiet still
Seems to seep,
Past the whispers
Of our mechanical world.
I am waiting
For words to come
To express the pandemic
And terror
Of confusion inside.
The plains in my mind
Have shifted to waves
And so frolic
And roll
At their will.
And somewhere I’m lost
Still trying to find
Belonging.

Juliet

This world
Will collide
With reality
And forever change
And as we careen
Continue on
I wonder
What is it?
That will stir men’s hearts
What will call them
To stand
To put forth
Left then right
To carry though
Till dawn
Who is the better poet?
The lover or tragedian
For what will they pray
A kiss or release
From a waking grave
Will they move to better a world
Far far to lost
Or to make another sunrise
To find the one.
Sorrow now
Or sorrow later
Please note the lack of comedy dear Juliet
As you pray
For a poem




The lover and the poet
One leads the other
Is this why
Perhaps
All words desert me?

Ha.

Take Me Closer To Believing

There once was
A quiet love
Who loved and loved
With all there was
In a quiet heart to give.
The quiet heart loved in silence
From any distance
Never quite gave in
Never fell too far to not stand again
The quiet heart never screamed
Never yelled
Kept passion locked inside
Chose patience over fury.
The quiet heart stood toe to toe
Against another louder than the rest
Fickle in its surety
Full of a demanding fire.
And under the din
The quiet heart fell
And bled and bled
Till there was nothing left
And as was fitting
No one heard
The quiet heart’s goodbye

Dutchess of Detroit

There’s anger
Yes
And hurt
So much
And at times I think
I’ll lose my mind
For losing twice again.
Victory unheard disappears
From inside
And I feel the hollow
Like an old familiar friend.
This is as all should be
You in love and me in second place
This would be so much easier
If I didn’t want you
So much.
Leaving
Would be possible
If I didn’t love you
Too much.

Tortura

Words I’ve said
Echo back
Followed by a whisper
Of everything you ever said.
Y me duele tonto
But what to do
They live in my mind
Haunt in a perfect torture.
I laugh at myself
When it’s quiet
I’ll never need cocaine
Your love is more than enough to kill me
Metaphorically of course.

Don't Take Me Seriously

So you’ll die
Silent and alone
So you say
Oh love
Why do you do this
What’s the motivation
To follow
In such dismal steps.
Ours is not a lonely world
Filled by far
Too full
With too much
Of inconsequence
When you drink
At night, alone
Do you think I don’t know?
You’ll die
Silent and alone
But only if you want.
Voluntary silence
From chosen solitude.
Die
Silent and alone
For pushing me away



- I don't like the ending. it sounds too menacing, but "because" doesn't sound good to me.

Blogsurfing

What is it that defines cruelty? Or more importantly what is it that defines one human’s capacity to be cruel? Where is the breaking point where one man can look at another and say, “I am going to break you. And you will not stop me.” I’ve always wondered at such. Most often I wonder if the latent cruelty I sense in others is merely like calling to like. I don’t think of myself as evil, but I must recognize that devil in my ear. This particular devil is brilliant. It knows how to act, and gives me subtle direction. It tells me how to smile and when to blink to bring someone to their knees. In this voice the weaknesses of others are revealed and mocked; the knowledge of how to catch them is seen clearly. I feel no joy in this. Rather it is a fount of power that seems to sit and stir in the bottom of my belly, as my efforts fall to fruition my veins fill with lead and I am rocked by the power of another’s destruction. Then I halt, and try to see myself as I am. What right have I to bend another’s will? I am no god, nor am I smarter than the rest. So why do I see these lines of weakness, and heed the call to make the others subservient? It’s not that I desire the attention, or want them as my own, but something in me revels in the capturing of hearts. I can’t bring myself to say a harsh word to a friend, but faced with love I find a murderous power welling and all I can think is, “you have no idea.”